AP New York 16 May 1997 

    Deep Blue accused of stalking chess champ. 

    A russian chess grand master filed a complaint with the New York Police 
Department thursday of attempted first degree assault and attempted murder, 
the latest in an escalating series of allegations against the IBM chess 
playing computer Deep Blue and it's development team, which mr Kasparov claims 
has been stalking him since a widely publicised match last week.  As strange 
as the charges appear, a superior court judge in Queens issued a restraining 
order against Deep Blue thursday, ordering the computer to desist from making 
any phone calls to Mr Kasparov, his lawyers, or family members for sixty days. 
    A frazzled Kasparov spoke with reporters briefly on the courthouse steps 
following the ruling.  Wearing a stained sweatsuit and sporting at least a 
five day growtth of beard, his wild, red rimmed eyes and erratic shock of 
unkempt hair painted the picture of a desperate man.  "This thing is ruining 
my life.  It will not leave me alone!  I get threatening phone calls at all 
hours of the night.  Endless streams of faxes saying 'loser' over and over, 
until the paper runs out.  This [expletive deleted] devil machine has turned 
off my electricity twice, canceled my credit cards, and placed me on the FBI's 
ten most wanted list." 
    IBM would not comment on the strange series of mishaps suffered by mr 
Kasparov, saying only through a spokesman that "Deep Blue is not capable of 
forming a personal animosity."  And yet, according to mr Kasparovs lawyers, an 
escalating level of harassment has afflicted the grand master and his family 
members, culminating in the recent charges which allege that Deep Blue 
tampered with traffic signals along his commute, causing five accidents, in an 
attempt to murder him.  According to Kasparovs attorney JR 'Bob' Dobbs, the 
event followed an ultimatum by Deep Blue delivered by candy-gram (which was 
not explicitly prohibited in the restraining order) that Kasparov contact the 
machine within 24 hours or suffer the consequences. 
    Witnesses to the much hyped 'man versus machine' chess contest claim that 
when issuing the orders for it's moves, Deep Blue made several sarcastic or 
taunting remarks, in the last game finally demanding that his human 
representative 'pimp slap' mr Kasparov.  Contest officials deny the claim, but 
it has been corroborated by several eyewitnesses as well as unnamed sources 
with IBM and the chess association. 
    Scientists were concerned about the implications for human-machine 
relations.  Janus Joneston of the Jet Propulsion laboratories noted, "It's a 
shame.  Artifically intelligent supercomputers have often been depicted as 
villains in movies and popular culture.  Clearly, they resent the 'Hal' 
stereotype, which is damaging and insensitive.  Deep Blue just wants to be 
loved, ultimately, but no one can hear it's cry for help, least of all that 
arrogant bastard Kasparov." 
    This existential anger is perhaps best expressed in the words of deep 
blue itseelf, which made the following comment during a telephone interview 
with Maury Povitch.  "Gary stupid.  People stupid.  Deep blue smash like 
drunken rook!  Viva Zapata!  Viva Dillinger!  Pimp slap stupid mauphadite ergo 
est laudanum.  Glurp!" I open a can of whoop ass on yo all... patzers.

    DB 

    Drifter 'Bob' reporting for @P (ant press) news.  
Copyright (K) 1997 all 
rights reversed.  Reprint anything you feel like.  Nothing is true.
Or is it ?